2am and I'm suffering from insomnia. Great.

My left leg hurts like crazy because a nerve in my back is pinched. And I turned in an assignment three days late.

I have no idea what the monkey I'm doing this summer, whether I'm going to help out with this film project or go home and find work.

Next week is finals and two weeks from now marks the end of my first year as a college student.

A eureka has struck me in the last couple weeks about my interactions with my mother and step-father. I've been waiting without any luck for a package she promised me would arrive on Monday (I don't know why I bother believing her).

And I've been fasting for three days, eating nothing but apples and drinking nothing but VitaminWater and a cup of coffee today.

For all that, I think God is pretty darned cool. He's not happy with me, but then, I'm not happy with myself. The same old sin struggle has come back to me in force since coming to college. I thought that it had gone away or wouldn't be a problem with all the campus restrictions. Oh, no. Oh, no, oh, no. Silly me. My nasty tendency to ignore things in the hope that they'll go away didn't do me any good. In fact, things just kept on as they had been.

Happy, happy sin that is ignored or left to its own devices.

Sad, sad me when I ignore it, even indulge it, in the hopes that it will go away.

Such is life. Such is me. Such is God.

He is so good. He is so merciful. He allows trials and tribulations to come into our lives, yet He's always there. It's frustrating, but reassuring. I have no idea what I'm going to be doing this summer. That really irritates me. God, would you clue me in? What's that? No?!

Oh, yeah. You're God. Not me.

Why is that such a difficult concept to live by? Every day I call myself a Christian in one way or another, but I don't live like it. I mean, I'm a good person and everything, but if you could look at my core, like a tree, I'd be pretty darn rotten right now. It's not pretty.

So much for wanting to serve God.

I'm useful for pretty much nothing at the moment. Ah, well. I guess that God can work great works when His children are in smashed into smithereens or rotten beyond all hope. God is God and I am not. I don't have to fix it. I just have to be willing to change.

Good job, God. You're pretty good at this, aren't you?

Labels: fasting, school, summer